Alright! After much pondering, puzzling and procrastinating, I’ve decided to run for Premier of my province of New Brunswick. By the looks of things, if I don’t take the reins of the joint pretty soon, nobody is going to want to ‘be in this place.’ There are a multitude of serious issues that are at the forefront of my decision to become your illustrious leader. I’m going to touch on a few of the most pressing and urgent.
1. Buses for everyone! That’s right, why just stop with separate buses for English and French students. What about aboriginals and immigrants? Don’t they deserve to be segregated as well? I’m also thinking we should have buses for bullies, nerds, jocks and divas… Nobody will be left out. A handy, long and wordy form will be sent by registered mail to every student in the province, allowing them to decide which bus they would like to ride on. Of course, there might not be any schools to send them to once we pay for all the extra buses. But that’s a minor detail.
2. All government jobs will be filled by employees who are multi-lingual. Want to be the janitor in your local government garage? Guess what, you’re going to have to be fluent in English, French, Mi’kmaw, Mandarin, Spanish, Tagalog and German. Why? Because, maybe once in the next thirty years someone might ask you for more toilet paper in a language a bilingual person may not understand. So nobody’s going to be left out. Was gibt’s Neues? Kamusta? Je ne comprends pas. You’re fired!
3. It’s time to legalize marijuana. Why? Cause it looks like most of the elected officials in this province are high on something. The rest of us might as well get in on it. Look at Colorado, their economy is booming, while ours is going down faster than slick water in a frack hole. So let’s all get stoned, eliminate our deficit, and act like our current Education Minister. “Hey tete-carre, get off my autobus!”
4. Instead of just taking seniors’ money when they go to the nursing home, I say we seize all their assets. And I mean all. Everything from their army medals, to their false teeth. It’ll all fetch money on the open market. Then just when they’re nice and cozy, we’ll set them all on an ice flow in the Northumberland Strait. Why? Why not? The current government already opened the door. I’m going to tear it right off the hinges.
So that’s my top priorities as Premier. Think they are stupid? Think about who you elected. Their idea of common sense is shafting our seniors, raising our taxes, and hiring more buses to segregate our kids while they lay off teachers. Suddenly, I don’t look so insane…
Buy all of my books eh! Twice. Just click on the link and thanks. http://www.amazon.ca/s/ref=nb_sb_noss/190-3641448-8577040?url=search-alias%3Ddigital-text&field-keywords=jason%20lawson&sprefix=jason%2Cdigital-text