Queen Victoria Day!

Don’t you just love the royal family? Okay, that’s a crappy starting line. I don’t like them at all. Regardless, without them we wouldn’t be having this wonderful long weekend. Maybe that’s a stretch too. I mean, we could always change the holiday to something like Premier Alward day, or the Stephen Harper long weekend. Yeah…sounds really festive doesn’t it. Truth be told I have about as much use for politicians as I do for the royals, but if it gets us a day off I’m all for it. So let’s enjoy the beautiful sunny weather, an extra day off and have a laugh at some royal saps.

Queen Victoria- Her royal majesty’s stunning looks could’ve no doubt scared a starving dog off of a meat wagon. Maybe that’s why she married her first cousin Albert (yuck!). They probably couldn’t find any people of blue blood who weren’t vision-impaired at the time, so poor Albert got the short straw. Apparently he must’ve liked her a little bit as they had nine kids who, lucky for them, didn’t have 2 heads or three eyes. Queen Victoria stayed on the throne for 63 years and 7 months and now we have a holiday named in her honour, which is pretty fitting when you think about it. Take a day off and do nothing in honour of someone who didn’t do much for over 6 decades.

Queen Elizabeth II- Good old Elizabeth is working hard at beating Victoria’s record of being on the throne for the longest. I guess being in a position of wealth with not much to do increases longevity. Or maybe it’s marrying your cousin, as Elizabeth did as well. At least her husband Phillip is her 2nd cousin once removed (they both should be removed!). Marrying your 2nd cousin is legal in most places and didn’t cause any alarming birth defects in her children except maybe for Charles’ Dumbo ears. This year mark’s her 60’th year as an almighty do-little and her diamond jubilee will no doubt be celebrated all over the commonwealth. Be still my beating heart…

King Edward VIII- When I first read about this shmuck I actually felt bad for him. Instead of marrying one of his half sisters twice removed, he decided to get hitched to a socialite who’d already been down the aisle enough times to give Elizabeth Taylor a run for her money. The commonwealth would not approve the union as his bride-to-be’s ex-husbands were still living. Unwilling to pull a Henry VIII and have her ex’s junked up like firewood, Edward decided to abdicate and gave up his crown. I felt sorry for him until I found out he made himself Duke of Windsor and lived foot-loose and fancy free for the rest of his life on the taxpayers’ dime. Figures.

Prince Harry- Now why should I add Harry to this list? He’s not King and probably won’t ever be unless he goes postal and has the rest of his family taken out. That’s exactly why I’m including him. If anyone could pull such a stunt, it’s Harry. Already famous for smoking reefers, clubbing underage, dressing like a nazi and making racial slurs, he’s the face of today’s royalty. Out-of-touch, spoiled, a powder keg ready to explode with the cash to do it on a grand scale. A product of generations and centuries of excesses. That being said, one can only wonder what the next generation of royals will be like. I shudder at the thought!

 

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